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Wanted to share my story.

I am a compulsive gambler, in and out of gambling and recovery for 13 years. I just found this reddit and the after gambling podcast, and decided it might be good for me to share some of my story as a gambler. Thank you in advance for letting me share, and apologies if this is longer than the norm.
I've been exposed to gambling all of my life. My family always played nickel and dime poker during family functions and regularly went to the casino for bingo, slots, and blackjack. Looking back, I think it is fair to say that gambling addiction runs in my family, at least in varying degrees. I can recall my first experience of gambling when I was about 8 or 9 years old. I was on vacation with my family, visiting relatives in the Midwest. It was a small town and there was a local movie and video game rental store we went to that had a coin pusher with quarters. I had only seen ones in arcades that use tokens and tickets, and was very excited at the prospect of winning quarters. So. I put 4 or 5 quarters in that I had and just like that, what seemed like tons of quarters started pouring out. When it was done I only had about $5, but at that age, it was the most money I ever had. I showed my mom all the quarters and she congratulated me, and we went back to my grandma's house with our rented movies and games. I can still remember sitting on the living room floor counting the quarters over and over. I remember feeling the excitement and looking back, I think it was the same excitement I would feel as an adult winning at casino. A few days later it was time to head back home from vacation, but first we had to return the movies and games to the rental store. I remember thinking how I couldn't wait to play the coin pusher again and get more quarters. As any gambler knows is coming, I started by putting in just a few quarters. No luck. Then a few more and maybe got 1 or 2 back. A few more rounds, and before I knew it, my quarters were gone. I don't remember telling my mom I had lost the quarters, but I do remember feeling confused at why that had happened, because I had won the first time. I also remember a bit of depression and a sense of dread that I had done something wrong.
Fast forward to my 18th birthday. Back then casinos allowed players 18 and over, and it was sort of a rite of passage to be able to go to the casino with my family and some friends who were 18 already. I remember two clear instances. The first was playing bingo and slots with my family, and that this was just soemthing that you did for fun on the weekends. The other was going to the casino with my friend and playing nickel slots. Thinking back, that one sticks out with me because she told me we should cash out as soon as I won something, and I agreed only because I had a crush on her and didn't want her to think I was weird for not making the smart choice to cash out, but deep down I wanted to keep playing. If you had asked me back then, I would have said it's just entertainment, but looking back I can see that the addiction was already forming.
A few months later, casinos changed the minimum age to 21, so now on to my 21st birthday. By now I was in college with a good job and lots of money saved. My wife (girlfriend at the time) was not 21 but her siblings were and they took me out to play blackjack on my birthday. Again, I would not have considered myself addicted back then, it was just fun to gamble. But I think I also wasn't very aware of the concept of gambling addiction, so I didn't think much of it. Trips like these became more freuqent with fewer people, until I started going by myself. I remember being conservative with my bets and thinking that as long as I leave when I've won a little bit, I can do this all the time and make some extra money. Bets eventually got bigger, but that meant sometimes the wins got bigger. Let's face it, a gambler's biggest problem is not necessarily the losing, but the sporadic winning. If I lost 100% of the time, it would have probably gotten old fast,but it's those periodic wins that "make it all okay" and feed my addiction. Besides, when I did win, I was "smart" and walked away and used the money to pay bills and but groceries, so it was OK to take a loss once in a while. Of course those were all the lies I told myself to justify gambling. Eventually I ended up spending nearly all my savings in one trip. I remember that day especially. Because it was my first memory of believing the deception and thinking that I just need play more to win the losses back, and more importantly the deception that I just needed to get back to even and it would all be fine and I could stop gambling after that.
Eventually I got to the point where I would always play until I lose everything I came with, with the rare occasions that I left with winnings only because the sun was coming up and I needed to be in bed before anyone woke up or I had somewere important I had to be, like work, a wedding or birthday party, only to lose it again that night or the next. I'm still struggling with gambling to this day. Trying to get on the right path forward for recovery. Thanks for letting me share.
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